This thought crossed my mind as I watched three ska-fucks in matching neon green shirts start their set with a bash-your-head-against-a-wall-ingly un-ironic cover of "Walking on the Sun" by Smash Mouth. And they were the opener. For Aaron Carter.
Let's backtrack a little. Yesterday I went and saw Aaron Carter perform at Reuther Central High School Auditorium in Kenosha, Wisconsin. Yes, Aaron Carter rented out a high school auditorium in Kenosha to perform. At right is a picture of a concert from his website. The concert I went to was unlike that picture in just about every way possible.
As I walked in the door, I was confronted by a short man in a polo that read "Music Happening" or something. I think he worked
for the radio station/promotional agency that had so shrewdly signed a hot act like Aaron Carter to play at the local high school. "Do you have a ticket already?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, pulling out my printed ticket.
"Did you pay for the meet and greet?" he asked.
"No." I replied. I looked at him. He looked at me. I stood a second longer to make sure our interaction was over. Not only had he not scanned my ticket, he had barely glanced at it.
"Enjoy the show," he said.
I walked in.
After a second of walking down the rows of seats, looking for mine, (we were assigned specific seats), an usher came up to me. "Do you know where you're sitting?" she asked. "Yeah, I think I'm here," I replied.
"Oh, well you can sit anywhere that doesn't have a name taped to the back," she said.
"Ok," I replied, and then I sat down in the very first row behind what Aaron's website has designated as the 'prime' seating, which cost like 30 dollars more. Suckas. I looked around and made a mental count. This was a large auditorium for a high school. There was an upper balcony and everything. It was also about 80% empty. There were approximately 50 people in attendance. Most of the audience was female. Ok, there were only two other guys.
First on stage was some old white guy with glasses. "I know you all are ready for Aaron Carter!" he paused, seemingly having anticipated thunderous applause after this statement.
"Wooo!" one person went.
"But first, do you guys like green? Like the color green?"
"What?" someone said, probably to their friend, but it was audible to pretty much everybody in the tiny crowd.
"Well, we've got a band that's gonna play before Aaron Carter," the guy continued, as if he felt the need to explain the entire premise of an opening band to the audience, "and they're called the "EcoLIMEs! How about that! I'm gonna come back afterwards and ask you guys how they were! See you in a bit!" So Cringelord Supreme exited stage left, and the Ecolimes entered stage right. There were three of them, a guitarist, bassist and drummer. They were all wearing sunglasses and matching neon green button down shirts. The drummer was wearing a wig, and not in any sort of cool way. Here is their set list:
1. Walking on the Sun - Smash Mouth
2. I Want You To Want Me - Cheap Trick
3. Faith - George Michael
4. Thriller - Michael Jackson
5. Sugar - Maroon 5
6. I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
7. Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
8. Another On Bites the Dust/Rapper's Delight medley
The bassist used a wah pedal for Thriller and I resisted the urge to throw my panties at him. He also had green bass strings, which clashed exquisitely with his bass's cherry red body. They didn't really sound like a ska band but I think they were trying to. I sat with a giant grin on my face through most of their set. They were exquisite. In my heart of hearts I hoped these guys were really intense about what they did, that they believed that if they just kept grinding, and really nailed their set night after night, they would make it big. Like after every show they had a meeting and the guitarist would be like, "Damnit guys! You came in too early on the bridge to 'I'm Yours' again! I heard there were major labels in the audience! We're never gonna get a record deal if you keep fucking up! We killed Thriller though. That's our first platinum single when we hit it big."
"HO-TEL. MO-TEL." the singer sang in an Adam Levine-esque falsetto.
"Holiday Inn," said one person behind me at low volume.
Near the end, the singer addressed the audience, "Hey, if you guys like what you hear, you can get t-shirts and cds and buttons in our van..." he trailed off as he realized that there was no way anyone was going to leave the show to buy his shitty merch out of the back of his van. "Anyway, we're playing at the Boat House pub tonight if you like what you hear." So the truth was revealed. The promoter had literally roped some bar band that was playing the same night into opening for Aaron. Christ.
Their set ended, and our old friend Cringelord Supreme returned to the stage. "How was that?" he asked.
"Yeeeeeahhhhhh!" I hooted along with the rest of the audience, giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.
"It'll be a couple minutes," C. Lord explained, "the band has to take their equipment off the stage, but after that, we'll be ready to go! Now who's ready for the man himself the gorgeous (a couple of screams) AARON CARTER!" We were ready.
After a lot of milling around, Aaron's DJ came on stage and started playing some shitty EDM to warm up. Immediately, most of the crowd stood up from their seats and walked down to stand in front of the stage. I think at this point I would like to re-iterate that the people sitting in the first few rows (which was most of the crowd) had paid 50 dollars, i.e. 30 dollars more than the regular ticket price, for the privilege of sitting in ''prime" seating. As everyone was now standing in front of the stage, with absolutely no objection from the ushers, they had literally paid 30 extra dollars for nothing. Nobody seemed too concerned. Because He was in the building. Aaron Carter was just minutes away.
And then...
Some comments:
First off, Aaron does not play his old songs. He hasn't for many years. He decided a while ago that he's past that stage in his career. But as someone who also hasn't released an album in over a decade, I was curious as to what kind of material he'd be singing. Turns out, we were in for a treat. Aaron played UN-RELEASED tracks off his new album, Fool's Gold, (to come out April 1). Mixed in were various covers. Before each cover, he would ask the audience, "Yo, do you guys know this?" He would then stare intensely into the crowd, laugh to himself, then say, "you don't know who this is do you?" Forgive us plebeians for our ignorance, Aaron. We will try and do better.
Aaron talks down to the crowd a lot. He had the us repeat back to him what day his album was coming out, (it's April 1st if you forgot), and he repeated many, many times that he was producing, writing, and singing all his own material now. Haters might argue that this is only because Aaron doesn't have enough money to pay anyone to write and produce his music anymore, but I say that he's trying to make a singular artistic statement.
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| Aaron's swag: A delicious anachronism |
Aaron still dresses like it's 1998. He came on stage sagging in huge, white sweatpants with designer boxer briefs underneath. He completed the ensemble with an un-zipped, matching white windbreaker and nothing underneath. This (thankfully) allowed a lot of abdomen visibility. And, oh yeah, Aaron's got a six pack.
Have you ever been at a concert with a musician who uses a lot of gimmicks to get cheap applause? My hitta AC is the king of cheap applause. Kim Jong Un doesn't get as much undeserved adulation. Aaron slithers around stage, constantly dreaming up his next pose. He sensually opens his jacket to expose his abs. He goes right to the edge of the stage, and everyone takes pictures. He points at one girl and winks. He stands still and covers up his right ear with his hand when he sings the high parts. He made eye contact with me at one point, and they had to call the janitor because I melted into a puddle on the floor.
Yet, despite all the gimmicks, he never did say, "How we doing tonight Kenoshaaaaaa!" which I was looking forward to.
There were some real highlights to the performance. I think one of the most interesting parts of Aaron's act are the sudden flashes of real skill that he displays. He twirled the microphone in his fingers very expertly. He is a pretty good dancer. At one point he did this thing where he juggled the mic stand with his feet so it almost fell over a bunch of times but each time he caught it just before it hit the ground. And then, there was this:
So many things here. If you're a little disoriented, a play by play: the video starts with Aaron caught mid-shitty moonwalk. He then dramatically glides to center stage, and back pedals for a while, singing. Then his DJ goes rogue, abandons the decks and starts doing some stupid arm-twirl-shuffle move at center stage. Aaron retreats to background, obviously aghast at being shown up at his own concert. At some point during this time fuming in the back corner, inspiration hits. The idea forms fully, and then he's off, striding towards center stage. "Step aside, Kevin Feder-lame," he likely mutters to his DJ as he passes. Then he throws down what I can only describe as sex, personified in motion. Good god, I shit my pants on the spot.
Despite my entire world being shattered and rebuilt in a second, the concert continued. He did a solid cover of Nelly's "Ride Wit Me", and he took off his shirt (yeah I got a pic at the right I gotchu ladies). And then, just as quickly and abruptly as the concert had started, it was over. Twenty-five minutes had passed. That is not a typographical error. Aaron played for less than half an hour. I don't know why. It seemed longer, because he played so many bits of different songs. It seems like that's all he planned to do. He walked off stage, and his DJ came up to the mic and said, "Uh, we're gonna get the meet and greet set up now." Then he too walked off stage, leaving the beat to the last song still blasting from the speakers. Everyone in the crowd just kind of looked at each other puzzled, and then started wandering off. It was very punk.As I exited the high school, I just needed to know what this fucking meet and greet was all about. About half, if not more of the people in attendance paid for the meet and greet, and were all lined up in a hallway waiting for Aaron. If I recall correctly the ticket that included the meet and greet cost 75 dollars. I walked past the social studies room where the meet and greet was being held, and it appeared to consist of a lone table and a corner with a backdrop and camera set up for pictures. An angry looking person standing at the door with a clipboard shot me a "you're not on this list" look, and so I abandoned hope of worming my way inside.
So there you have it. What a wild ride. The concert, I think it can be fairly stated, was a prime example of the crusty asshole of the entertainment industry. Yet, as I stated in the very beginning, sometimes things are so bad, they achieve a certain absurdity, a ludicrousness that for some reason I find completely fascinating and hilarious. I think anybody can tell by the length of this article, I very, very much enjoyed this concert. This was not a bad concert. This was a spectacular, cringe-tastic dumpster fire of an event, and in the middle of it all was the great Aaron Carter. He is an amazing person, a man who just keeps moving forward, way, way after it was time to throw in the towel, completely supported by the vestiges of his past fame and his own grand delusions.
Yes, Aaron Carter is back on the road, currently playing concerts/scams across the lesser-known locales of the upper midwest. And honestly, fucking go. Do it. Everyone in Kenosha was having a great time. Just don't pay for the 'prime' seating.
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