On a scale from 1 to Ka-chow, how Lightning McQueen is Jack White?

We all know that Jack White his one rootin' tootin', rockin' and rollin', pedal-to-the-metal m-effer.  And you know who else embodies all of of those qualities?  Our main man Lighting McQueen.  In this investigative report, Sad Moth Manny and Noah will take an in-depth look at the ebbs and flows of Jack White's Lightning McQueen-ness at different times in his career, on a scale from 1 to Ka-chow.



1. Jack White on the cover of The White Stripes (Self-titled)

Emanuel:
You know, he's just getting warmed up on this one, he's rockin' the white, he's got the red pants. I mean he hasn't fully ka-chow'd yet, but you know he's getting there. I would give him a solid 7 out of ka-chow on this one. This kid looks like he knows how to rock and roll, but also hasn't gone full ka-chow. I remember when Jack first came out with his secret EP for his group The White Racing Stripes and you know I was like "yeah this kid is gonna ka-chow the world away someday," and I guess him on this album was just the official beginning of it all.
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Noah:
Yeah, he's reddy to get on goin', but he's not rip roarin' full speed ahead just yet. He's holding back with the basic white tee, red pants combo, but you know he's gonna bust out the ka-chow any time now.
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2. Jack White circa 2003

Noah:

 Now here we fucking go.  In this one, Jack White is ready to gas 'n go.  He's a rip-roarin', guitar shreddin' motherfucker.  He's ready to boogity boogity boogity and let's go racin' boys.  Ka-chow is off the charts.

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Emanuel:
I gotta agree with Noah on this one John, Jack is lookin' pretty gosh darn ka-chow right about now. He's ready to rock and roll, but you over looked one thing the white wool suit he's rockin' there. That makes his ka-chow meter off the roof. Circa 2003 Jack White is as ka-chow as it can simply get. This is the peak of his ka-chow career.

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3. Jack White on the cover of Elephant

Emanuel:

To me this is where the ka-chow had it's last stand before the dark ages. I think uh, Jack he uh, well it's pretty clear that Jack was self aware that he couldn't keep up with the ka-chow demand his fans were asking for and things got messy with the divorce and you can see the metaphor he was going for here. The darkness looming into the bold Lightning McQueen red, the classic kachiga ka-chow threads. Notice how Jack's gaze is towards the light, he knows the McQueen is gonna pull him through, but will it? Jack's definitely pretty ka-chow in this one, but something else is going on here...In retrospect I can't help but think this is when Jack had his first taste of the dark side of him.

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Noah:

Damn, I disagree, this I just about peak ka-chow for the Whitemeister.  He's got the fringe, the bangs, the cricket bat.  What makes it even more ka-chow is how into what's going on he clearly is, compared to Meg, who doesn't really look like she wants to be there at all.  Jack White was born to be on this album cover.  And this being the White Stripe's most popular album, this is typically the first moment where o'l Whitey ka-chows into our lives.

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4. Jack White on the cover of White Blood Cells

Emanuel:

Ka-chow! Right in da kisser.

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Noah:

Damn, watch out for those gangstas Jack-O!  They're comin' at him, but he's about to bust-em out!

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5. Jack White at a Cubs Game

Noah:

This is not Jack White at his most Lightning McQueen.  It is apparent from the picture that he is uncomfortable with his surroundings for many reasons.  For one, he is outside, which is messing with his immaculate Casper-the-ghost complexion.  For another, it is summer, which restricts his ability to comfortably wear a three piece suit with fringe and a stupid hat.

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Emanuel:

 I gotta say this is where Jack went from being Lightning McQueen, the beloved 3-D animated car, to being Evil Lightning McQueen. Not a good career move to make yourself come off as an evil 3-D animated Car.

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6. Jack White on the Cover of Blunderbuss

Sad Moth Manny:

Jack is full evil 3-D animated car on this one. Man how could such a good thing be ruined?

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(You fucked him Jack, look what you did, you're no better than Chick)

Noah:

How'd you get so sad Jackeroon?  Did you finally just realize you were in a band with your ex-wife for like seven years and that's kind of uncomfortable?  Where's the ka-chow we know and love?

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5. The candy-ass Black fucking Keys

Noah:

Are you kidding me?  The Black Keys?  The Scrappy-Doos of rock music?  They who continue to rip off the great Jack White every time they open their mouths?  Get 'em outta here.

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Sad Moth Manny:

 You brought these fucking nerds to my house?

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Bazinga

5. Jack White circa present day

Emanuel: 

Oh damn he's back...kachow.

Noah:

Whoa whoa whoa whose this dapper, put-the-pedal-to-the-medal gent?  Oh! It's our man Jackie Dubs!  Didn't recognize him with the change in primary colors! Well wadda ya know, he can still get the ka-chow on when he needs to.  Mebbe he's matured a bit since his days of maximum ka-chow.   But now he's going for a more sophisticated, nuanced brand of ka-chow, ya know what I mean?
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